Ups and downs

Okay so this week as you can guess by the title has been full of ups and downs.

I don't know what is wrong with me. I make bad energy and negativity because of my own insecurity and it just makes everything worse. I just cause mess after mess. I have good days, lovely days, days that I should be grateful and thankful for and then I spoil things the day after. I don't mean to. I get upset, I get horrible feelings and I close up. People don't know how to act with me, don't know what to do and I cause all of this myself.

I want so badly to be loved, to have love all around me, to be a positive presence and to have positive energy around me. I still have that inside of me but it's not being showing itself for a long time. I'm afraid of losing it forever, I'm afraid of spiraling downwards further and further and I'm afraid of no one being here because I've pushed them away and made it unbearable to be with.

I just want things to be okay. Everything good...